My name is Inspector Rumplank. When things happen on The Black Carp, and no one knows the facts, I'm the one they look to. Sure, I've had no formal training, but I have barrels full of natural talent. They keep me around because I've got a knack for finding things. Gold things. Gold. I find gold. Other pirates like to hide treasure, and I find it. They don't know it, but all pirates like to hide things in the same place. It's always under a palm tree, and most of the time, they hide it on an island that only has one tree. I don't go around giving out this information, because, well, that would put me out of a job.
The say your first case is always the hardest, and I think they’re right. I was just a young pirate back then, with underdeveloped sea legs. It was a particularly stormy night, and I was barfin’ off the side of the ship. I was starting to get dehydrated when I heard a scream from somewhere behind me. I quickly turned to look, and there I saw a horrible sight. The captain had been slaughtered in cold blood. Well, actually the blood was warm, because he just died, and I didn't know who murdered him, so it might not have been even metaphorical cold blood. But it was. We’ll get to that later. I could tell right away that he didn't die of scurvy. I wish I could tell you it was because I was a great detective, but it was actually because he had a cutlass in his chest, and scurvy doesn't kill you with a cutlass.
I told everyone on the ship to calm down, that I would solve the murder, and they did calm down.
“Was it scurvy?” Shouted one of my crewmates.
“No.” I shouted back.
“How could you possible know that? Are you a witch?”
“No, he just has a cutlass in him, and scurvy doesn’t kill you with a cutlass.”
“Oh, you're right!”
He was the happiest pirate I’ve seen. That made me suspicious, because the captain was dead. Why was he so happy? Maybe because he killed captain, or perhaps my insight into the impossibility of a scurvy death lightened his mood.
“Why are you so happy?” I yelled.
“Well, your insight into the impossibility of a scurvy death lightened my mood!”
Everyone knows that pirates can't lie, so he must be telling the truth. A pirates greatest weakness is his honesty. I did a quick look at everyone on the ship to see if anyone was missing a cutlass, but everyone had one, except for the chef and the cabin boy, who never had one, so I didn't even talk to them. That was a big mistake on my part, but we’ll get to that.
There was this one pirate on the ship who everyone called “The Assassin”. I'm not sure why we called him that, but this guy knew how to kill a person in about a thousand different ways, and he knew how to do it silently. He was starting to look like a pretty good suspect. I was going to interrogate him, but I remembered something. I had heard a scream. If the kill wasn't silent, it couldn't have been The Assassin.
My next investigative route was to see if anyone had motive to kill the captain. Obviously, the person with the most motive was whoever was next in line of succession to the captain. That was the Vice-Captain. I asked the Vice-Captain if he killed the captain and he said no. I would have been suspicious of him, but pirates can never lie. I decided that I would go ask the next person down the line of the succession. The Speaker of The Pirate Ship wasn't easy to find, but when I found him, I asked him if he killed the captain. He didn't do it either.
I decided that going back to the scene of the crime might be the best course of action to help me think of a new theory to test. When I strolled up the the captain's body, I was greeted by one of the Forensic Pirates. This was great news for me, because they might have info that I can use to nail the killer.
“Hey, what info do you have for me.” I inquired.
“Well, we found something interesting, and it just might help you nail the killer.”
“Perfect. Lay it on me.
“Well, the cutlass has a residue on it. We ran some tests on it and it is a 99.9% match for a Mr.Clean™ Magic Eraser.”
“A Magic Eraser? Isn't that what the Cabin Boy uses to scrub down the decks?”
“Oh my god you’re right. Driftbarrel, stop the scurvy test. Rumplank’s solved it.”
The Forensic Pirate was right. I had solved it. But I needed to be sure. I went and found the Cabin Boy and took him into the Pirate Interrogation Room.
“Did you kill the captain!” I screamed at him.
“Yes.” He said back to me, his eyes unwavering.
“Why did you do it?” There was no way the Cabin Boy could tell, but I was holding back tears.
“I did it in cold blood.”
“You monster. How did you think you could get away with this!”
“I figured you would think it was scurvy.”
I knew he was telling me the truth. Pirates can never lie. As we sent him off the plank, one thought haunted me. The Cabin Boy had almost gotten away with it. He would have been successful if not for one fatal miscalculation. Scurvy doesn't kill you with a cutlass.
The say your first case is always the hardest, and I think they’re right. I was just a young pirate back then, with underdeveloped sea legs. It was a particularly stormy night, and I was barfin’ off the side of the ship. I was starting to get dehydrated when I heard a scream from somewhere behind me. I quickly turned to look, and there I saw a horrible sight. The captain had been slaughtered in cold blood. Well, actually the blood was warm, because he just died, and I didn't know who murdered him, so it might not have been even metaphorical cold blood. But it was. We’ll get to that later. I could tell right away that he didn't die of scurvy. I wish I could tell you it was because I was a great detective, but it was actually because he had a cutlass in his chest, and scurvy doesn't kill you with a cutlass.
I told everyone on the ship to calm down, that I would solve the murder, and they did calm down.
“Was it scurvy?” Shouted one of my crewmates.
“No.” I shouted back.
“How could you possible know that? Are you a witch?”
“No, he just has a cutlass in him, and scurvy doesn’t kill you with a cutlass.”
“Oh, you're right!”
He was the happiest pirate I’ve seen. That made me suspicious, because the captain was dead. Why was he so happy? Maybe because he killed captain, or perhaps my insight into the impossibility of a scurvy death lightened his mood.
“Why are you so happy?” I yelled.
“Well, your insight into the impossibility of a scurvy death lightened my mood!”
Everyone knows that pirates can't lie, so he must be telling the truth. A pirates greatest weakness is his honesty. I did a quick look at everyone on the ship to see if anyone was missing a cutlass, but everyone had one, except for the chef and the cabin boy, who never had one, so I didn't even talk to them. That was a big mistake on my part, but we’ll get to that.
There was this one pirate on the ship who everyone called “The Assassin”. I'm not sure why we called him that, but this guy knew how to kill a person in about a thousand different ways, and he knew how to do it silently. He was starting to look like a pretty good suspect. I was going to interrogate him, but I remembered something. I had heard a scream. If the kill wasn't silent, it couldn't have been The Assassin.
My next investigative route was to see if anyone had motive to kill the captain. Obviously, the person with the most motive was whoever was next in line of succession to the captain. That was the Vice-Captain. I asked the Vice-Captain if he killed the captain and he said no. I would have been suspicious of him, but pirates can never lie. I decided that I would go ask the next person down the line of the succession. The Speaker of The Pirate Ship wasn't easy to find, but when I found him, I asked him if he killed the captain. He didn't do it either.
I decided that going back to the scene of the crime might be the best course of action to help me think of a new theory to test. When I strolled up the the captain's body, I was greeted by one of the Forensic Pirates. This was great news for me, because they might have info that I can use to nail the killer.
“Hey, what info do you have for me.” I inquired.
“Well, we found something interesting, and it just might help you nail the killer.”
“Perfect. Lay it on me.
“Well, the cutlass has a residue on it. We ran some tests on it and it is a 99.9% match for a Mr.Clean™ Magic Eraser.”
“A Magic Eraser? Isn't that what the Cabin Boy uses to scrub down the decks?”
“Oh my god you’re right. Driftbarrel, stop the scurvy test. Rumplank’s solved it.”
The Forensic Pirate was right. I had solved it. But I needed to be sure. I went and found the Cabin Boy and took him into the Pirate Interrogation Room.
“Did you kill the captain!” I screamed at him.
“Yes.” He said back to me, his eyes unwavering.
“Why did you do it?” There was no way the Cabin Boy could tell, but I was holding back tears.
“I did it in cold blood.”
“You monster. How did you think you could get away with this!”
“I figured you would think it was scurvy.”
I knew he was telling me the truth. Pirates can never lie. As we sent him off the plank, one thought haunted me. The Cabin Boy had almost gotten away with it. He would have been successful if not for one fatal miscalculation. Scurvy doesn't kill you with a cutlass.